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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27716297">Ashen Waste</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepyguts/pseuds/sleepyguts'>sleepyguts (Sleepyguts)</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tired_And_Uninspired/pseuds/Tired_And_Uninspired'>Tired_And_Uninspired</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Love Hurts, but Not As Much as You [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Everyman HYBRID, Saw (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Addiction, Angst, Drug Abuse, Eventual Smut, Everything is. fine, Jeff does not love me back he has a thing for Dr. Gordon, Jeff is anxious and I love him, M/M, jeff isnt doing to hot, not yet but eventually, oh no he cant hear us he has airpods in fuck, the usual</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:00:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,738</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27716297</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepyguts/pseuds/sleepyguts, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tired_And_Uninspired/pseuds/Tired_And_Uninspired</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeff Sinclair is a nursing student. Dr. Gordon is, well, a doctor. Sometimes they sleep together and things get complicated. How much blood must be shed to end the affair? Find out &lt;3</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lawrence Gordon/Jeff (Everyman HYBRID)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Love Hurts, but Not As Much as You [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026445</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ashen Waste</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>chapter warnings for: medical talk, neck kissing/biting, and implied NSFW times &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Every nurse in the department had a crush on Dr. Gordon. And those who didn’t were lying. <br/>At least, that’s what Jeff thought – who wouldn’t be attracted to him? There was a lot about the tall, older man to swoon for, and today, Jeff’s focus was entirely on his hands and smile. Listening to him talk about the patient they were all standing by was hard. He had gotten lost quite a few sentences ago, gripping his clipboard, trying to find back into the lecture, but it felt helpless. Every time he thought he made it their eyes met and he could practically feel his brain shut off, heat rushing into his cheeks. He wasn’t usually that bad at hiding it, but it had been seemingly forever since the last time they had planned anything together after work, and he felt like a teenie being excited about their secret-after-work-date-time.  <br/>Eventually, he was ripped out of his fantasies when he was handed an x-ray and patient file by the nurse next to him, taking a closer look. He immediately recognised the dark spot on the picture, moving on to skim over the given information in the file. 52. Caucasian. Chronic migraines, nausea, seizures. Craniectomy. </p><p> </p><p>“Sinclair” </p><p>Jeff’s head flung up when he heard his name, making eye contact with his the doctor again, ignoring the feeling of everybody’s eyes on him.<br/>“Can you interpret the given x-ray for us?” <br/>He nodded slowly, swallowing thickly. He hadn’t been listening, so this was going to be embarrassing if he was to make a mistake now.<br/>"Looks like a frontal lobe tumour to me, which, as I can see in the files, has been caused by colon cancer and is inoperable, as well as severe and probably fatal" <br/>Jeff looked over the taller man with a questioning expression, begging for the life of him he had gotten this right. Not like it made any big change or difference if he was wrong – it was merely his need to impress and make him proud. <br/>-“Correct, well done. And how do we treat this?”<br/>“With uh- anti-seizure medication?” <br/>It was like his mind set into autopilot, synapses burning up and running fast. In mere seconds he mentally ran through the entirety of things he learned in his lectures in university, digging through chapters over chapters of information, trying to answer quick. <br/>“So. We give the patient levetiracetam against the seizures and corticosteroids” <br/>-“For what?” <br/>Not breaking his kind smile Dr. Gordon folded his hands together, keeping eye contact. He didn’t want to make Jeff nervous, but he knew he had the knowledge, and was very well aware that sometimes Jeff needed a little push over the edge to work fast. <br/>“To lower the swelling in the brain and improve and the neurological symptoms. It does that because it decreases the pressure the tumour has on the brain.” <br/>-“And what about treatment besides medication?” <br/>Jeff inhaled thoroughly, exhaling soundly, relaxing a little. This was a lot more within his field of expertise. He had spent nights just memorizing all the methods that can be used, with all their exceptions, side-effects and every tiny bit of extra information to it.  <br/>“First we go with 3D-CRT for the 3D model of the tumour so we can get it’s exact location, then treat it with IMRT to target the tumour directly without damaging the surrounding tissue….?” <br/><br/>"And," Dr. Gordon smiles, "correct again, Mr. Sinclair. Though I can't say I expected any less from you." <br/>Jeff lets out a relieved sigh at this and feels himself relax a little. Something about being under the doctor's expecting gaze was stressful-- whether that be Jeff's own need to impress him or the way his disappointed face looked a little too much like Jeff's own father's for comfort. Either way, he can be both glad the attention is away from him for a moment and upset to no longer be getting praise from his boss.They continue looking over the scans and Jeff gets the chance to answer a few more questions here and there-- though Dr. Gordon's attention stays mostly on the other students for now, trying to give them a chance. <br/>Jeff is almost <em>more </em>relieved when they're officially done for the day. He's ready to sleep for a couple hours before he has to get to the grocery store.<br/>"Mr. Sinclair-- Jeff-- could you stay behimd a second? I want to talk." <br/><em>That's never good</em>, Jeff thinks. </p><p>Dr. Gordon is on him once the last student is out and the door is closed. <br/>"You did good today," he says between kisses to Jeff's neck. "You should be more confident in yourself, though. You <em>know </em>the answers, Jeff, you just don't trust yourself." He really can't bring himself to respond in any way that <em>isn't</em> a hum, too hard to really focus on much when Dr. Gordon is paying him this kind of attention. There's a sigh and then.<br/>"Jeff, <em>words</em>."<br/>Jeff himself sighs back, trying not to show how affected he is by Dr. Gordon's <em>Do what I say or you're in trouble</em> voice-- one Jeff is sure is also used on Diana, which <em>does </em>manage to kill the mood a bit. Being treated like Dr. Gordon's unruly child isn't very sexy, really. </p><p>"I understand, <em>sir</em>." <br/>He takes pleasure in the sudden tightening of Dr. Gordon's grip and the barely-there shudder from the other man. Jeff is good at pushing buttons.This time the placement of the kisses is deliberate. The first lands right on the hollow of Jeff's throat. <br/>"And what do you understand?" Dr. Gordon asks. </p><p><em><br/>Here comes the hard part.<br/></em>"I--" Jeff barely holds back a yelp of surprise at the sudden-- albeit gentle-- bite where Dr. Gordon had just been kissing. "I understand that I should-- <em>ah</em>-- be more confident in my answers." <br/>"Good," hums Dr. Gordon, moving his mouth up a little more to another unmarked area of Jeff's neck. "And <em>why</em> should you be more confident?" <br/>"Because I know what I'm talking about?" <em>God</em>, Jeff can't be expected to think right now, let alone answer questions. His response earns another-- sharper-- bite from Dr. Gordon, though, so Jeff tries to sound more sure the next time he says it. <br/>"I know what I'm talking about." </p><p> </p><p>"You <em>do</em>." </p><p> </p><p>Now, Jeff can't admit to remembering much of what happens after this-- something involve Dr. Gordon's dick, he's sure-- but, <em>oh</em>, was it nice. <br/>When they're done-- and Jeff, of course, smells like sweat, sex, and Dr. Gordon's cologne-- Jeff can't help but ask, "Did we lock the door?" <br/>Dr. Gordon looks up to check and laughs. "Yeah," he says, relieved, "it's locked." <br/>"Probably for the best," Jeff laughs too. "Don't want anybody getting curious." <br/>"No," hums Dr. Gordon. "Wouldn't want that." <br/>There's silence for a moment, both a bit lost in their own thoughts, but eventually it gets much too warm and uncomfortable to keep laying together on the floor the way they are. Jeff pulls his scrubs back on and tries to ignore how obviously <em>fucked</em> he looks in the room's mirror. <br/>Before he leaves, Dr. Gordon asks, "Are we still on for tomorrow night?" <br/>And, yet again, Jeff can't bring himself to say no. <br/>So he smiles. "See you then." </p><p> </p><p>The moment Jeff stepped out of his office, he felt like everybody was staring again. Nobody really is, but he feels like they are, staring, chatting, wondering; maybe laughing about him. He wasn’t necessarily a department favourite between the nurses, as they felt like he was going with unfair methods to improve the outcome of his training. Which wasn’t at all what their relationship was for. Yet, he knew some nurses thought like that; felt it every time he talked to them about patients. It was in their eyes. Sometimes, when he thought about it for too long, their imaginary staring made him see things that weren’t really there. Sometimes it made him feel like the hallways were extending before his eyes and people were staring from all sides all along the way. And sometimes it made him feel itchy. Like rows of teeth were emerging from their cold eyes, digging into his arms, were tearing on him, asking “<strong>SO, WHAT ARE YOU TWO?</strong>”</p><p>Jeff simply felt like everybody secretly knew. He assumed so, that was. The constant panic of maybe being caught one day was what made him so anxious. Not only would it have ruined their relationship (or whatever it was) and his training, most importantly it would ruin Dr. Gordon’s life and reputation at work. Both things he did not want to influence negatively in any way. Although, by being an affair, he sorta was already doing that. He tried to not think about it too much, though. Which was hardest on days he fell asleep and woke up alone the next morning. <br/>He felt bad, he did. He knew he was doing something extremely wrong. And he didn’t want to blame Dr. Gordon at all, really not, because all of this had been his own idea, in a way. The memory of how exactly this all started out was blurry. All he really remembered was that there had been a party to celebrate the hospital’s 40th anniversary, they had a couple of drinks… <br/>And it just <em>happened</em>. </p><p> </p><p>Sure, Jeff had been kind of swooning before. But now he really felt his feelings getting serious, and had to admit, it scared him. He didn’t want to think anything of this. He knew that Dr. Gordon didn’t see this as anything serious, so he figured neither should he. Even if sometimes it kinda hurt. All those little fantasies, of them maybe moving in together, being able to show it openly at work, being in love – they were just that, fantasies.<br/>Nowhere near possible. Merely the cause of a pretty regular weekly breakdown.  </p><p>But today had been different. It had been gentle, loving almost. Praise in a physical form; in a way that would remind Jeff for a long while still how good the work he delivered today really was.  <br/>Jeff ran a hand through his hair, sighing, rubbing his side. It still ached a little, feeling hot from the deep red marks he was left with. His shift was almost over, and he still had to go get groceries and nap before his late night shift later.  </p><p>Maybe he should shower first.  </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi sorry if this is a but incohesive, its like. the first time sleepyguts and i have every co-oped on a fic before &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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